Graduation Day

It's been forever since I've posted anything. Now I find myself with time on my hands. After working towards a psychology degree for two years since graduating with my Associate of Arts, I am finally graduating with my Bachelor's degree. Tomorrow is the big day. To be honest, I'm a little freaked out, but I'm actually more excited than I thought I would be.

When I first went to college after high school, I went to George Mason University. I loved everything about it: the people, the campus, even the school colors. The first week of my second semester, I got a call from my mom to come home. They found out my dad had cancer. That was Thursday. On Saturday morning, the hospital called to tell us he was dead. I withdrew and continued working my full-time job, just like I had for the past two months. Somehow it seemed like the best idea. I figured I should be with my mom and my GPA could suffer from how much class time I had missed. Besides, my peers at work had bachelor's degrees. Why should I spend money and four years of my life to end up in the same place, making the same amount of money?

Fast forward three years later. I was married and divorced with a young child, had worked retail for seven years, and even managed my own store for two of those. I was unfulfilled and fed up. The money was decent, but I felt like I was selling my soul. I decided to go back to school.

I went back to George Mason to earn enough credits to transfer to the University of Virginia, which was close to my home. I got remarried and my husband's coworker suggested I attend the community college to complete my general education requirements and earn an associate's degree before taking advantage of a guaranteed admission program with UVA, which was all cheaper than going to UVA for everything. I set out to do that. I got all A's to be as competitive as possible (the required GPA was 3.4, I started with a 2.69) and there was a chance I wouldn't be eligible for some reason or another. My second to last semester I got a B and I was super pissed. Then I found out my grades at GMU my first semester disqualified me. I got accepted to UVA anyway. I decided not to go. I'd have to attend classes during the day during the most common working hours, which was pretty much impossible for me since I needed to work to help support my family of now five. I needed another option. Mary Baldwin College offered classes at the community college and had advisors onsite. They also didn't require calculus to obtain a BA in psychology. Apparently, MBC stopped offering classes at the community college and the psych program was entirely online or at their campus in Staunton, but that was fine with me. I started classes that summer after graduating with my AA.

Now I have completed all my requirements. I've taken 129 credits, earned a 3.69 GPA, thanked my professors for everything they've done, hung up my gown, and even decorated my mortarboard. The school has changed its name and celebrated its 175th year. Tomorrow I celebrate having an extended break from homework and the ability to select bachelor's on the drop down menu of job applications. My children get to see their mother achieve something her parents never did, all while loving them and taking care of them, not knowing that every night mommy was too tired to take them to bed instead of dad because she wanted to make herself and their lives better. Tomorrow is exciting. Am I sad I'm not graduating from the school I fell in love with? Yes. Am I disappointed I'm nearly 30 and only getting my BA now? Yes. BUT, I'm not 30 yet and my goal (once starting) was to complete my degree by then. Mission ACCOMPLISHED. Besides, it's a degree that I earned through hard work and persistence. It's time I give myself a win without criticizing it.

Tomorrow is graduation day.

Rawr

Today I woke up to my son roaring.  We still have a monitor, even though he's nearly two.  Not because we're overly concerned, but because of two reasons: 1.) He's downstairs and we're not. 2.) He sleeps through the night so if he's crying, something is wrong.  It's worked out well.  He's the best sleeper we've had and he makes an excellent alarm clock as he consistently wakes up and fusses at 7 am.

Usually, the Bean will cry out and then chatter to himself for awhile.  If you're desperate to sleep in, sometimes he'll stay quiet until after 8.  This morning, he thought he'd try something different.

A little background: poor little guy had been sick for a few days (fever, nasty poop, and one throw-up).  We hear a noise this morning that sounds like, "grrr".  Our first thought is, is he sick?  Then it happens again, very clearly, "grrrrr".  When we get downstairs to his room, he does it again as a greeting.  That's right, he's roaring quietly.  Not crying, not yelling, but "grrrr"ing.  

Drivers scare me

My morning:

Hubby's jeep is busted so I drove him to work, which is a private school out in the country.  On the way back, I ended up behind a handicapped driver in a beaten-up, red pickup.  To be honest, old rusty pickups freak me out a little.  I know it's crazy, but I worry that they're going to explode at any moment.  Hit a pothole?  BAM!  Sharp turn?  BAM!  On that same train of thought, discarded cigarette butts terrify me as well.  That is a fire waiting to happen.  Old pickup driving over used cigarette?  BAM!

Anyway, what freaked me out more was the erratic driver.  It's a 45 MPH road and we're going between 30 and 50 MPH at any given point.  This a really curvy road, mind you, and the 30's sometimes coincided with straightaways and 50's with turns.  Ooh, it was worrisome.  Even worse, all four of their tires would cross the double yellow line.  Yes, the one in the middle.  As a motorcycle rider, I know how dangerous that is, especially around curves, so I was praying not to encounter any other vehicles on the road.  We didn't except for one other pickup.

We lost them once we got to town and I can't say I minded.

I experimented with natural hair care

Yesterday my mother-in-law took my daughter to a kids hair salon to get her bangs cut.  This has happened numerous times, but yesterday the hairdresser "found" some lice nits (i.e. lice eggs).  Of course everyone freaked out, but my mother-in-law was pretty sure it was just dandruff, which I've noticed in my daughter's hair for a couple weeks.  She bought lice treatment just in case.  It was administered and sheets, blankets, clothes, whatever were all washed.  Lice checks were done on me, my husband, and my other children.  The only thing found was dandruff/dry skin/whatever in my hair, which I also knew about.

I've been struggling with an itchy scalp for weeks.  I've tried dandruff shampoo, more conditioner, cleansing shampoo, and more frequent washings, but nothing helped.  In fact, the dandruff shampoo made things worse so I was pretty frustrated.  I did some reading.  Supposedly, apple cider vinegar will help with dandruff and other scalp issues.  Dr. Oz swears by it.... Anyhow, I figured it can't hurt to try.  It helped with my heartburn and sore throat when mixed with honey.  The other things that might work are aloe vera, tea tree oil, and coconut oil.  Well shit, I already had coconut oil from a skin/health care routine that fell by the wayside.  I dug it out, heated it up and took it into the bathroom with me.  I got the apple cider vinegar and mixed half a cup with one cup water, put that in my hair with fingers, a fine tooth comb, and mild pouring.  Since I lacked a shower cap, I used saran wrap to cover my hair and put on my Ninja Turtles beanie.  I let that sit for fifteen minutes before rinsing it out.  I shampooed with a new "natural" shampoo that I also added the coconut oil to.  Rinsed that out and voila, done.

First impressions:

1. My hair is soft, silky smooth
2. My head isn't itchy 
3. Less flaking 

Since these are first impressions, they are extremely subject to change.  I also plan on doing this treatment again.  I'll update my results, provided I remember it.  Either way, it's working so far and it was worth trying, especially since I already had the ingredients.  Here's hoping it does the job.


Update:
   
I didn't keep up with the routine for more than about a week.  I did start washing my hair every day with a "natural" shampoo and conditioner (it's a big-name brand so I doubt how natural it is, but it doesn't have any silicone).  After one night, I'm finding my hair seems oily in a place best compared to cats and where their scent glands are on their heads.  Considering previous research, I think I might be causing my hair to release more oil because I'm drying it out.  To switch that up, I've tried using the diluted vinegar before my shampoo and including coconut oil in my conditioner.  That resulted in really oily hair for the day (I showered in the morning).  I might try the same treatment at night so the coconut oil can really set).  Either way, I still have an itchy scalp and mild dandruff.  The number of flakes has, in fact, decreased, but I'm still not satisfied.

I can't help but wonder though, if there's really that much I can do because I'm outside in the cold, dry air both in the morning and during the day.  I wear a hat, but maybe it isn't really helping.  I'm hoping I can finish up my shampoo and conditioner quickly so that I can get a different brand that I've had more time to research and maybe that would help.  There's a good chance I'll see a dermatologist if it keeps up.  I'd be curious to know if the small patch of eczema on my wrist predisposes me to having scalp issues.  That could be some useful information to have.

Update 2:

After reading about shampoos for eczema on the scalp, I found a product for me and one for my son.  I have yet to bathe my son with his new calendula shampoo, but I did start using my tea tree oil shampoo.  This stuff is amazing.  I've had hardly any flakes, my scalp feels good, and my hair looks healthier.  Instead of one shampoo bottle and one conditioner, I accidentally got two shampoo bottles.  Since I've been using it for about a week and love it, I'm going back for the conditioner.

This stuff has been working great for me so far.  I bought mine on Amazon.

How I avoided shopping the week of Christmas

I work retail so this whole week I've seen people running around like chickens with their heads cut off.  Or maybe their heads are still on because there's been some squawking.  I will say though, that most people have been really nice.  I've worked ten Christmas' and this year is the nicest customers have been and yet, I'm almost more miserable than I've ever been during holidays.  The worst was when I was left to work Christmas Eve by myself in 2006.  I think my problem this year is that I'm tired.  I had exams last week on the 16th and then I've been working my ass off since.  Don't get me wrong, my coworkers have worked more than me, but they don't have children.

Thanks to my children, I ensure I am done shopping before this week.  When my first child was due two days before Christmas (and arrived four days before Thanksgiving), I got my shopping done by the end of October.  I knew there was no way I could stand in a long line or squeeze between shelves and shoppers with an enormous, bulging belly so I sought gifts out in advance.  The relief I felt knowing my shopping was done before the holidays started was so great that I decided to make the effort to recreate the experience each year.

Three years ago, it started to be popular to host online deals Thanksgiving night.  After indulging in a fantastic meal, I sat down to my laptop and ordered my gifts without leaving the sofa.  I still bought stocking stuffers near the end, but was otherwise done.

This year, I bought everything by the end of November, including stocking stuffers.  I happened to be at Target and only had the toddlers with me so I was able to sneak things into the cart.  Realistically, they weren't going to be any cheaper closer to the holiday and I'd be less likely to get the ones I wanted.  Stocking stuffers? Done.  I looked through a catalog and saw something for my mother-in-law, but why order through the catalog?  I went on Amazon, ordered it Prime, BAM! Two days later and it's here.  Better price, faster shipping, and rewards points to my Amazon Rewards Visa.  Gifts for my mom?  I buy them through the year.  If I see something on sale that I know someone would like, I buy it and keep it until birthdays or holidays.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't feel like the sales were as good this year as they've been in the past.  Thanks to that, I don't feel bad that I didn't wait for the "big deals".  I'd much rather spend a few more dollars and be done shopping sooner.  That way I don't become the last minute shopper.  I'm sure the day will come when my kids want the "hottest toy" and maybe I'll feel desperate to get it for them, but for now, that day has not arrived and hopefully when it does, I'll remember working the week of Christmas and will keep my cool.

Epiphany

I've had some suspicions in the past few months, but today I made a full realization: I don't know where I belong.  Let me provide some context.

As I've probably mentioned, I'm taking an intermediate Spanish course this semester (the second to last one I need) and we have a writing assignment.  Our professor provided the two options beforehand so we could prepare.  We can't use what we write, but we can organize our thoughts and iron out some of the kinks so we can complete our essay in class--and possibly leave some time to spare.

One of the questions, which seems easy at first, is: Write about two groups that you consider yourself to be a member of.  There are more parts to this like, who are members, are the groups diverse, etc.  I wanted to do this essay, but I realized I don't know what groups I belong to.  I could say America, or Virginia, or whatever, but I don't really feel at home here.  I felt much more at home when I was in Costa Rica.  I'd say I'm a member of the Female Group, but I feel at odds with my gender a lot of the time.  I'm part of the Milennials, but again, I'm a little old to be with them and a little young to be Gen X.  I have characteristics of both generations.  I'd say I'm part of the community of my employer, but I'm at a point where I feel like I've outgrown it (the grapevine, the passion of the topic, the willingness to sacrifice my personal life).  I have different priorities.  I'm part of my school's community, but only as a technicality.  Other than that, I'm part of my own personal community of my family.  I'm a wife and a mother.  Those seem like groups in which I could feel like part of a community, but as a divorcee and remarried woman, my wife classification is a little funky and as a relatively young mother, I struggle to fit in with other moms.  I'm too old to be a teen mom and too young to be included among my daughter's classmates' mothers.

Maybe the larger issue is that I struggle with my identity, even at this stage in my life.  I know that I am young, but I've reached many of the different levels in the game of life.  Again, I'm a wife and a mother.  I have a mortgage, life insurance, and a will.  I've lost my father, a father-in-law, my grandparents, and nearly my mother.  I'm a former store manager who hasn't graduated college.  I'm a feminine woman who is not girly.  I'm a gamer, an athlete, and an artist.  I love turtles, Ninja Turtles, Batman, Miyazaki, sci-fi, fantasy, real-life crime dramas, but I don't dig Dungeons and Dragons, cosplay, dogs or horses.  I'm a mix of many things.  Jack of all trades, yet master of none.  It's filling a lot of roles, but none completely.

Perhaps it's a lack of personal achievement in ways I find meaningful.  I love my children.  I'm proud of delivering each one naturally and under three hours a piece.  I love being a mother, but I hate not having a degree or a career, or even knowing what career I'm interested in.  I haven't published a book or sold a work of my art.  I haven't invented a product that satisfies a need.  So far, I've only produced children.  Amazing children, but children, nonetheless.  I want to do something meaningful.  Something that belongs to me and me alone (or as a team of highly qualified individuals).  Someday it will happen, but I'm impatient and presently dissatisfied.

I've leave this post as it is for now since I need to be productive and complete some school assignments that the failure of which will hinder my progress.  Nobody wants that less than I.

Just Past Mid-Year Resolution

No more complaining.

I've been feeling a little funky lately and couldn't quite pinpoint the cause.  I've been feeling especially restless.  I'm still going to my classes, but I've also started working more.  That could be going better.  It's not that I'm not motivated, I'm just unable to be excited.  I'm trying, but it's not genuine.  

I went back to my old concerns that I'm mildly depressed so I looked up natural remedies online.  One article suggested exercise, time in the sun, and Omega-3 fatty acids.  I get more exercise now than I have in years, but I do keep out of the sun and I haven't been eating a lot of fish lately so today I'm sitting in the sun and I bought salmon to eat later.  I think I'm on the right track.

The other point the article mentioned was the social aspect.  I always felt that I needed more time alone, but now, I'm feeling rather lonely.  I always have, but at least before, I had many acquaintances to keep my mind off of it.  Now, I'm pretty isolationist.  It's tough to meet up with people with my kids and their schedules.  Now that I'm working more, it's even more difficult.  I know my interactions at work are helping to restore my mental acumen, which had been waning, but it's just not enough.  I love my husband and my kids, but I need a close friend--a confidante, if you will.  To be honest, I've always felt that relationship lacking most of all and now more than ever.  My best friend since sixth grade is across the country.  My cousin, who is like a sister, is several states away, and my best friend from college is in South Korea, another country!  I need a replacement.  I have a few candidates in mind, but I think I'm scared that I don't know how to build a friendship anymore.  That and two out of the three women I'm thinking of have their own children to schedule around.  I know I should be comfortable getting our kids together, but my house is a mess and my kids can be a hassle.  I'd leave them with my husband, but I feel guilty leaving him alone since we don't see each other nearly enough as it is.  

Either way, I definitely need to do something about it.  I'm determined to stop being a victim and take action.  It's time to think positively and encourage my own happiness.  I know it's not as simple as wishing it and then making it so, but when you remind yourself of the good things you have and stop worrying about what you don't, you will feel happier.  As I'm writing this, I'm actively engaging myself in being happier.  I'm actually allowing myself to feel better.  

This is going to sound disjointed when read with the previous paragraphs, but it fits in with the overall post.  A few articles I read talked about the effects of gratitude on your well-being.  When you practice gratitude, you feel better.  Remember how they told you as a child that giving gifts is better than receiving and you didn't really believe it?  By now, you've probably realized the truth in that statement.  It feels at least as good to say "thank you" as it does to hear it.  I just thanked my husband for making a delicious dinner and thanked God for not letting me fail my Stats quiz (luck also played a large role).  Point is, practicing gratitude is one way that I'm taking control of my happiness.  

The true test will come tomorrow when I get back to work.  Having a good day at school is pretty easy as an adult in college compared to having a good day at work (totally reversed from when I was in high school).  Here's to positivity!