It's been ages since I posted anything and during that time, I've gone through a bit of a "crisis of identity", if you will. I had a moment when I realized, I don't have any hobbies. I'm supposed to do an essay based on my interests. I'm sitting there thinking, "What are my interests?" I couldn't think of a fuckin thing. Depressing, to say the least.
In the meantime, I made the decision to stop worrying about pandering to those that might get offended by one of my opinions or potty mouth. I need to embrace the person I am, the person I want to be. I used to be passionate about everything, even things that probably weren't worth it. I dated someone who fought with me over that, actually. I don't even remember why the fight started, but it ended with him telling me that I needed to control my emotions and me telling him that I liked being passionate about everything. We split up.
Here's the thing though, I dated another guy who was even worse about it. Things were great for awhile, or so it seemed to me, but he ended up being a "crazy". He made me feel like shit about everything, basically. I felt like shit about being friends with people, leaving the house, having interest in things, my kid and how I was raising her, even how I was dealing with my separation from my husband. Thanks to him, I've struggled for a long time with regaining all that I've lost. I really took the things he said to heart. When you've grown up around abuse and then you get involved in it (doesn't need to be physical), it twists you up. I've been twisted. I think I'm pulling away, but it's a process. I don't get excited about things the way I used to and the passion is gone from my voice. I don't feel much of it inside my soul either. I'm so busy with work, school, and my family that it's been hard to focus on myself, but I'm trying. Re-taking my blog is a good start. No more censoring (well, not the extent to which I have been censoring myself). Time to find myself again, and this time without the use of my motorcycle.
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