Epiphany

I've had some suspicions in the past few months, but today I made a full realization: I don't know where I belong.  Let me provide some context.

As I've probably mentioned, I'm taking an intermediate Spanish course this semester (the second to last one I need) and we have a writing assignment.  Our professor provided the two options beforehand so we could prepare.  We can't use what we write, but we can organize our thoughts and iron out some of the kinks so we can complete our essay in class--and possibly leave some time to spare.

One of the questions, which seems easy at first, is: Write about two groups that you consider yourself to be a member of.  There are more parts to this like, who are members, are the groups diverse, etc.  I wanted to do this essay, but I realized I don't know what groups I belong to.  I could say America, or Virginia, or whatever, but I don't really feel at home here.  I felt much more at home when I was in Costa Rica.  I'd say I'm a member of the Female Group, but I feel at odds with my gender a lot of the time.  I'm part of the Milennials, but again, I'm a little old to be with them and a little young to be Gen X.  I have characteristics of both generations.  I'd say I'm part of the community of my employer, but I'm at a point where I feel like I've outgrown it (the grapevine, the passion of the topic, the willingness to sacrifice my personal life).  I have different priorities.  I'm part of my school's community, but only as a technicality.  Other than that, I'm part of my own personal community of my family.  I'm a wife and a mother.  Those seem like groups in which I could feel like part of a community, but as a divorcee and remarried woman, my wife classification is a little funky and as a relatively young mother, I struggle to fit in with other moms.  I'm too old to be a teen mom and too young to be included among my daughter's classmates' mothers.

Maybe the larger issue is that I struggle with my identity, even at this stage in my life.  I know that I am young, but I've reached many of the different levels in the game of life.  Again, I'm a wife and a mother.  I have a mortgage, life insurance, and a will.  I've lost my father, a father-in-law, my grandparents, and nearly my mother.  I'm a former store manager who hasn't graduated college.  I'm a feminine woman who is not girly.  I'm a gamer, an athlete, and an artist.  I love turtles, Ninja Turtles, Batman, Miyazaki, sci-fi, fantasy, real-life crime dramas, but I don't dig Dungeons and Dragons, cosplay, dogs or horses.  I'm a mix of many things.  Jack of all trades, yet master of none.  It's filling a lot of roles, but none completely.

Perhaps it's a lack of personal achievement in ways I find meaningful.  I love my children.  I'm proud of delivering each one naturally and under three hours a piece.  I love being a mother, but I hate not having a degree or a career, or even knowing what career I'm interested in.  I haven't published a book or sold a work of my art.  I haven't invented a product that satisfies a need.  So far, I've only produced children.  Amazing children, but children, nonetheless.  I want to do something meaningful.  Something that belongs to me and me alone (or as a team of highly qualified individuals).  Someday it will happen, but I'm impatient and presently dissatisfied.

I've leave this post as it is for now since I need to be productive and complete some school assignments that the failure of which will hinder my progress.  Nobody wants that less than I.